@IAmMikeFeeney: The first thing I'm going to do when I'm rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
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@TheRolo: *UFO attacks* Govt: It's a weather balloon. *UFO destroys Eiffel Tower* Govt: Weather balloon. *UFO conquers Earth* Govt: Weather balloon.
@WilliamRodgers: "Age is just a number" ...so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
@CornOnTheGoblin: [at my funeral] ventriloquist: please don't judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this me: hi everybody!
@kcmoore51: I hate when my wife says her friend at work "got flowers again today" and I have to kill that chick's husband.