The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
You Might Also Like
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”