Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
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I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me