I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
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Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
so weird how every mom was born today
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.