@weinerdog4life: The first thing you'll need if you're planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
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@rachelle_mandik: emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships! victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i've made a horrible mistake.
@ewfeez: Showed my daughter “The Karate Kid” and now she’ll happily do any manual labor if I just tell her we are “training.”
@LeBearGirdle: *trying to ask a girl on a date* Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime? Her: was- was that a mop?