The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
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[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?