@weinerdog4life: The first thing you'll need if you're planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
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@Social_Mime: Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don't dress nice for him anymore.
@KThonvold: People who genetically engineer food, why don't you make celery that tastes like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
@Reverend_Scott: "Charlie, I want a divorce." [in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
@dannylonglegs99: "Bro, rumor has it ur dads emo now" "Emo? Nah yo, EMU" "Im confused.." *A massive bird moonwalks in w/ a #1 Dad shirt* "Hi confused, Im Dad"