The Sun’s probably Asian.
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“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.