@justabloodygame: The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
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@handsock_butts: Me: I didn't get anything this year. Do you think Santa's magic...is running out? Wife: Santa isn't real Me: Don't lie to save my feelings
@dulcetry: This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
@daemonic3: "Hi" My name is "What?" My name is "Who?" My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady *scribbles on cup* "Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I'll start your latte"
@GrantTanaka: there's a jehovah's witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy