@justabloodygame: The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
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@SamuelHLowe: "Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
@themiltron: FRIEND: What 3 books would you have on a desert island? ME: My first book is more books. F: What? These aren’t wish— M: Second book’s a TV.
@RuffaloShuffle: Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to "Hey Arnold"
@Stellacopter: Imagine falling in love with someone and finding out they raise their hand at the end of a long boring meeting to ask a question.