The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
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Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2