I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
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CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Autocorrect is my menesis
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
he’s sick of your bullshit today
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke