The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
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Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip