Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
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Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.