@tinynietzsche: The five second rule doesn't apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
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@mc_funbags: People keep telling me I behave like a man so I'm currently working up the courage to tell my husband he's gay.
@theshantilly: *avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend *keeps avoiding eye contact *walks by friend *hears friend calling name *breaks into a run
@living_marble: Dearest wife, The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.