@tinynietzsche: The five second rule doesn't apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
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@Bagyants: I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like "Let's name it Rad!" and one guy was all "Let's dial that back a bit."
@VerifiedDrunk: Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don't think I'm hungry for lunch anymore. .
@Xoolun: My girlfriend and I were having sex so loud we woke up the whole house. My wife was furious.
@QwertyJones3: [Sci fi movie] How did you travel such a distance so fast? "I went through a wormhole." Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.