The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
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Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news