*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
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*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Who chose this font
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀