*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
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ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Happy Thanksgiving
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything