“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
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Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
WHY would you be happy about this?
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.