“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
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I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”