The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
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My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.