The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
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Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running