Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
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christening a ship with an overripe banana
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre