@TexasHickspanic: The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
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@MelvinofYork: Whenever I conduct a job interview I ask the applicant to name their favorite Muppet, and no matter the answer I scowl and shake my head.
@AaronFullerton: To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats: A) Why? B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
@HatfieldAnne: Of course I don’t put Christmas presents under the tree for the CAT! That’s just silly. She gets a stocking.
@heymonroe: 14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel's 'We didn't start the fire' has done nothing for our career.