The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
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All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.