The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
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Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.