Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
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I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane