The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
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I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password ex…
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…