The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
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I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…