The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
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I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
lmfao
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%