15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
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out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Incredible customer service.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.