The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
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Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁