“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
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If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.