The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
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Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.