The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm