I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
You Might Also Like
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
sin harder.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.