The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
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ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Bruh PLEASE
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.