@LurkAtHomeMom: The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
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@iwearaonesie: "This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu" -me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
@AnkCoupleTO: [breakfast table] Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms? 8: Not me 9: Not me CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
@TheTweetOfGod: It's not that people use only 10% of their brains, it's that only 10% of people use their brains.
@TampaBayMomma: Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.