The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
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Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I’m giving up for Lent.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well