The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
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Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…