[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
You Might Also Like
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.