@breatheandlove: The good news is, that bag of clothes from 1998 that I still haven't taken to the donation centre…they are back in style now.
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@theroneman: Captain: You’re suspended. Turn in ur badge and gun. [he does, but immediately grows a new badge and gun] Godammit, u were born to be a cop.
@kwirkyKerri: I'll agree to almost anything if you set a cupcake in front of me. I won't be listening. Because...cupcake.
@trentistweeting: ok boss, i duck taped the hostage's mouth shut "you mean duct taped, right?" um... *cuts to hostage with live mallard stuffed in his mouth*
@patnspankme: People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?