The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
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sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Customer is always right
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.