The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
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Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
this is the best interaction on twitter