The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
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Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?