The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
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me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
me hitting on a model
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I think they could have phrased this better
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
😂😂
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.