@DamienFahey: The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
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@illiter8too: SALESWOMAN: (looking alarmed) Well, yes, I guess, technically the dress fits. ME: (limbs and face turning purple) Can you believe this? I’ve never been a size zero!
@Cheeseboy22: Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
@Goofpoops: Watching movies with kids: If he/she hasn't seen it, eons and billions of questions. If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
@TheRolo: I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.