The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
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Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
You can’t outrun your problems…
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.