The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
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[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Um … Hot Wings please
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.