@imchriskelly: The government should pay for everyone to get massages on November 9th.
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@AnkCoupleTO: Me: You're gorgeous Her: OMG that is so sweet, c'mere *I walk right past her & start french kissing her collection of scented candles*
@hardlyrelevant: Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
@JosesLovesYou: -911 Whats the emergency? My wife is suffocating me -Literally or figuratively sir? Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?