If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
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My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I think the cat got the dog high.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
My safe word is Worcestershire
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.