Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
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Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Buck naked
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle