The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
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If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Breaking news:
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages