The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
wait.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?