The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
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My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
#ParentingFacts
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus