The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
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I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Punctuation Matters. Period.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”