people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
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I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.