The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
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Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
#StillHurts
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck