The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
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My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.