“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
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My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
house sitting!
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge